Fertility challenges suck. That's the straight up reality of it. On so many levels. For starters, listening to the crazy things that people say:
“Oh, well, if you just relax it will probably happen.”
“I have a friend who her sister had to wait like six months to finally get pregnant.”
“Maybe God just have a different plan for you. It'll happen if it is suppose to.”
“Well you aren't a spring chicken anymore. You better get busy.”
'Why don't you just adopt. There are so many babies that need a home.”
The list goes on and on. This advice can come from relative strangers or from your closest ally. It seems that it is one of those areas that makes people so uncomfortable to see your pain that they would rather do anything else. Including saying asinine things.
I see you ladies and gents. Biting your tongues and forcing a smile. Not telling your family and friends to avoid these very comments. I have even been told that my openness about my fertility challenges was offensive to someone else's fertility. Ummmm W.T.A.F. Sorry my infertility offended your fertility. Said no one ever.
I get it though. You want to keep that nasty part of yourself – fighting with your husband about getting intimate because, “I'M OVULATING! Didn't you see the pee stick with the smiley face I left by your toothbrush?!?!!” and crying in the shower where no one can see or hear. And degrading your body in your mind for letting you down this month, AGAIN. – you want to keep all this nastiness to yourself because any month now this is not going to be your problem anymore. Any month now you will finally pee on the 101'st magical pregnancy test. Any month now you will get to start decorating the nursery. Any month now you will get to start buying maternity clothes and baby clothes. Any month now you will finally be in the mommy club. Just a side note... Once you earn membership to the mommy club you find out there is a whole other level... The multi-kid mommy club.
This. All of this is the reason that it is time to share our stories. It doesn't matter if your story was from 10/20/30 years ago. It doesn't matter if you are in the midst of it now. Your story is IMPORTANT. Others need to understand and relate and hear from you. We are real life every day people. And it is not ok that our options are meds on top of meds that insurance won't pay for and gives us a 34% chance at having our own baby. It is not ok that we are just awkwardly avoided and brushed aside because our real life makes people uncomfortable. People are mostly just uncomfortable with the unknown. Or the 'think-they-know-best' people.
That's the thing. No one knows - truly knows – what they will or won't do unless they have legitimately been in your shoes.
I have been in your shoes. Oh yes. It is THE reason that I am here now talking about this. Out loud. Uncomfortable. But, still totally doing this. I researched the shit out of this stuff and I could now give you like 100 natural ways to get fertile AF off the cuff. Ok maybe more like 20/30. But, that's not the point. The point is that it's every day stuff that no one talks about. It's just like, “Oh you can't get pregnant – bum deal yo. Good luck with that. So what else is up?” Not good enough. Where is the real talk?
It wasn't because someone gave me a hand up that I found my way out of the daze. Looking back... oh man... a hand up would have been amazing. Maybe it would mean I didn't live 4 years of my life at two week increments. Waiting for a positive ovulation test and then waiting to see if this was the month that it was my turn. I found myself at a major fork in the road. I could continue down this dark, dangerous path of anger and doubt and body shame for another five years. Or I could say enough is enough. Today matters and I matter. It all happened in a moment several years ago... my hand was locked around my cell phone. Had been from the moment I woke up that morning. I was waiting for the call. The call that was going to make my life matter. And when the phone finally rang my hand was shaking so bad that I could barely push accept call. What I heard on the other end sounded like a weather report, “Hi Lane. Sorry but you have no viable embryos to transfer. Have a nice day.” (They may or may not have actually said have a nice day.) I didn't realize it instantly. I spent the rest of the day in between shock that it was over and grief that I had no hope. I don't think I slept very good that night but, by the next morning I had definitely made a new decision. I had an amazing life. A life that I wanted to show up for. Today. And so I did. I laughed like I hadn't laughed in years. I can even remember thinking a couple of times through out the day that I should be miserable and crying my eyes out. But I was done with that. And I built from there.
Connecting with my clients brings me so much joy. It is confirmation time and time again that humanity is alive and well. These couples who have experienced some of the deepest heartache, reach up, take my hand, and make a choice to change. And live! It bring tears to my eyes just thinking about the beauty that I get to be a part of.
My little family is the best gift I have ever received. It is everything to me. My heart is so full of gratitude for the life that I choose to live every single day. To take part in the miracles of the sunrise and flowers blooming and people laughing and loving. Yes, please! I'll choose that ever single day.