Infertility….Yikes I just shutter at the word now. I have learned to use the phrase “Fertility Challenges” instead. For two years, my heart just hurt. I knew I wanted to be a mother and…wouldn’t you know it. I “can’t.” I felt like no one saw me. No one really saw the hurt, the pain, the sadness, the loneliness, the resentment, the list could go on and on. I began seeking help from a Reproductive Endroconlogist and thought… okay, get me pregnant. I mean that is why I was paying them, right? We were diagnosed with “unexplained infertility.” There is that word again…I cried. Like really cried. Like toddler tantrum cried. I shouted out to God, why would he do this to me?
The information I got and what I learned about my cycle from the RE was nice, but not enough. I still left with an empty womb and in tears each month. How could I go on? Maybe I wasn’t supposed to be a mom? Why was everyone else around me getting pregnant? What was I doing wrong? I sunk for a bit, took some time off and began to try and find myself again. My husband and I decided not to go back to the RE. We just couldn’t. We hurt so bad. We needed to take care of our wounds.
I came across a support group for fertility online and really began engaging in the group. I ended up meeting a few girls from my area (WHAT?!) and jumped out on a limb and decided to meet up. During this meet up, one of the girls had told me about Lane with Healing Grounds Facebook page. Of course, I was interested. I checked it out and snooped around. But stopped from there. I was in such a bad place, I didn’t know if I could really pursue something. I was just trying to survive from all the negative words spoken over my body.
So, one day I did a blind call, I just got insane 20-second courage and called Lane. I spoke with her and just felt this “ah ha” moment. I decided I needed this. This was exactly what I needed for someone to pour into me HOPE, HEALING, JOY, PEACE. This was my transitional moment. I felt me again. For once, I didn’t have this pain that I wanted to just hide and cry. I continued to meet with my local gals and also began phone consultations with Lane. Each week I kept telling myself to really lean in and to just give it to God. My faith, my TTC community, and learning more about my body from Lane really helped me get out of this horrible rut. I am still waiting for my miracle. But instead of waiting in pain, I am waiting in peace. God has given me the best gifts during this wait, friendship and hope. Lane is both of those for me. I know she is rooting for me and I just know that I needed to head down those hard roads to get me to this one right here. I now know I can be the most amazing wife, friend, and future mom, because I AM FRUITFUL.